Here I Go Again

Last year, Lori's Whirled was so good, so funny, so right on the money that I had people (okay, okay one person) come up to me and insist I was as funny as Dave Barry, the funniest man in America. Okay, so he didn't insist, but he did speak the words aloud, in public. Okay, so when I asked him if I was as funny as Dave Barry he said, "Yes. I'm sure you must be. Who's Dave Barry?" He is the funniest man in America and I am not so naive as to think I could ever claim his title. I'm a girl! I would have to be the funniest girl in America. But what I really want is to be one of the f•r•i•e•n•d•s. First, I'd have to lose fifty pounds and fifteen years, and be single... it's sounding better all the time. Seems the best I can hope for is Ugly Naked Guy's bitter upstairs neighbor. That way, I figure I could look right into the friends' apartment and since they are there all the time I could live vicariously through them. Oh wait, that's what I do now. (Thursday nights at eight on NBC.)

I guess if I could be someone else I wouldn't be a f•r•i•e•n•d (threat of AIDS, financial instability). Nor would I be Dave Barry (although I have always wanted to be able to "go" standing up). I think I would want to be Martha Stewart (I could pay someone to "go" for me). And I think I have found a way. The secret is in the way you caption your picture of life. Here is an example. Picture yourself doing dishes. (Note: If you are a man, picture yourself not listening to this part.) While you are doing the dishes speak to "the camera" in that I-am-Martha-Stewart-and-I-own-the-world way she does, like this: (you are washing dishes) "I discovered these charming tin oil cans on sale at my hardware store. I have filled them with my favorite dish washing liquid which is richly-scented with the aroma of fresh lemons. The steam rising from this massive basin of bubbles is heavenly. And I really love the warmth of the hot, soapy water. The hand painted doves on my antique toast plates almost seem to be cooing Finally, a good rinsing with clear, very hot water, and I have clean, beautiful, and still-warm place settings just waiting to be dried with a soft cotton cloth and safely tucked away until my next afternoon tea."

You (and I) would have said "I gotta do the dishes, where'd the thing of Joy go to?" Now we have a better way. The next thing is to own everything. Don't take a bath. Bathe. Draw your bath and bathe. Don't go to the store to get milk. Visit your grocers to shop for fresh milk. And when you get back, I mean, after you return to your kitchen, transfer the fresh milk into a clean, very cold, glass pitcher and store it in the coldest part of your refrigerator. Because, and you know this, milk tastes better in glass! Martha doesn't make this stuff up! She just does things the better way. (In case you thought I forgot about Dave Barry, he agrees with Martha Stewart, except he thinks beer tastes better in glass. Or cans. But cold, definitely cold. But if all you have is warm, that will be fine.)

Now that you know how to be like Martha Stewart, you are probably saying, "No, Lori, you have it all wrong, we want to be like you." (Hey, come back here!) You're in luck. I plan to write a book which in this age of "whatever" should become an immediate best seller. The title is (probably going to be) Be Like Me: A Guide for People Who Aren't Sure. If you are thinking you don't need a book to tell you what to do, then you don't. Go home. This book is for people whose answer to every question is "I don't know." (pronounced I'dn-o) They are the ones who need my book. I have opinions on everything. And look at it this way. I could conceivably make a person realize that they don't want to be like me, that they want to have their own opinions. That is my secret agenda: to eliminate "I don't know" from the list of valid responses. Except in the case of riddles. I hate it when you go, "What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday? And the person goes, "He said he'd never part with it." One of the parts of the book is going to have to be: Even if you know the answer to a joke or riddle, the answer is "I don't know." Or be like Bob, who knows everything and say, "I give up."

I lost a friend to breast cancer this year. She was the kind of person people wanted to be like. (Except for the breast cancer part.) She wore red. Red hats, no less! She was tall. Her teeth were big and white and I think she had more than normal. She made you feel like, now that you were here, the party could begin. She was a good mom. And even though she couldn't "go" standing up, she was someone I wanted to be...like. So whenever you see me wear red, I am still me, being like Linda. When I substitute cranberries for nuts in banana bread, I am me, being like my mom (who substitutes Cracklin' Oat Bran for the chocolate in a hot fudge sundae.)

This Christmas, I want to be like Santa. Wear red, wear fur, laugh out loud, and practice random acts of kindness. Take good care of yourselves everybody.

Lori Kohn

As dogs often reflect the appearance of their owners, voice mail greetings often betray a truth of their own. Consider the following greetings of some lawyers we know:

Peter Astiz of Baker & McKenzie (Palo Alto, CA): "This is Peter Astiz. Please leave me a detailed message. In the future you may bypass this greeting by pressing the # key. If you’re in need of a bypass, press 0 and an operator will page me." beep

Gary Reback of Wilson, Sonsini, Good, Rich & Italian (Palo Alto, CA): "Hello. This is the secretary of Gary Reback, because Gary hasn’t figured out how to record his own personal greeting. However, if you leave a message, he’ll be glad to return your call." beep

Hank Gutman of Baker & Botch (NY, NY): "Hi. This is Hank, not Henry, Hank - Got it? Sorry I missed the opportunity to be obnoxious in person, but if you leave a message, I promise not to disappoint you." beep

Marty Greenstein of TechMark (San Jose, CA): "Hi, this is Marty. Really, I never touched the woman." beep

Larry Sonsini of Reback, Sonsini, Good, Rich & Italian (Palo Alto, CA): "This is the office of Larry Sonsini. If you need a conflict of interest waiver, press 1. If you are waiting for a ruling from our Conflicts Committee, press 2. If the existence of a conflict has already been determined, and you wish to know if you’re still a client of ours, press 3." beep

Judge Robert Keeton (U.S. District Court, Boston, Mass.): "If you are an attorney for Borland, motion denied." beep

Charles Dick of Baker & McKenzie (San Diego, CA): "Hi. This is Chuck Dick speaking. It’s 9:07 on Tuesday morning, December 15, the year of our lord nineteen hundred ninety five, and it’s a beautiful day here in San Diego, with skies so clear you can see the sailors staggering back to their ships. I just stepped out to hand my sec’y a note, but if you please leave a message -- feel free to speak as long as you wish -- I would be delighted to return your call, which is so important to me, that I -- " beep

Steve Brower of Ginsburg, Stephan, Oringher & Richman (Newport Beach, CA): "Hello." beep

Bill Lerach of Milberg, Weiss, Shyster & Gonif (San Diego, CA): "Hi. This is the Willie Horton of high tech. When you hear the beep, leave a message telling me what the @#$%& you want. Should you do so, anything you say can and will be used against you in a frivolous class action lawsuit." beep

Roberta Katz, general counsel of Netscape Communications (Mountain View, CA): "I’ve gone to the bank." beep

Exclusive Interview
With Katie & Joey

By Times Staff
Editorial Staff

We continue our tradition of asking the kids the same silly questions every year, clinging to the belief that our readers have not lost interest in how the answers change over the years. Times: What’s your favorite TV show?
Katie: I don’t really have one. [Daddy’s girl -- Ed.]

Joey: My favorite TV show is Bill Nye The Science Guy.

Times: What’s your favorite movie?
Katie: My favorite movies are Jurassic Park, Toy Story, and Now & Then
Joey: My favorite movie is The Lion King.
Times: What books have you read lately?
Katie: I’ve read Yang the Youngest and His Terrible Ear, which was recommended by a librarian, so I thought I might try it. I’m reading the Young Indiana Jones books. I’m trying to read them all.
Joey: I read Mathew Loonie’s Invasion of the Earth.
Times: What are you reading now?
Katie: I’m reading Indian Captive.
Joey: Five Little Peppers and How they Grew.
Times: What games do you like to play at home?
Katie: I like to play Monopoly, Greek Myths and Legends card game, and any old card games. And Hide & Seek.
Joey: Monopoly, MAD Magazine Game.
Times: What games do you like to play at school?
Katie: I usually like to play Freeze Tag. Sometimes I like to play Truth or Dare and Football.
Joey: Tag Along, Nuclear Bubble Gum
Times: What’s your favorite subject in school?
Katie: Math.
Joey: Social Studies or Science.
Times: What’s you’re favorite food?
Katie: Not counting desserts?
Times: Right.
Katie: Chicken.
Times: Counting desserts?
Katie: Ice cream.
Times: Joey, what’s you’re favorite food?
Joey: Beef jerky and salami.
Times: What’s your favorite dessert?
Joey: It would be Lemon Meringue Pie.
Times: What’s your favorite music?
Katie: Tie between the Beatles and Ace of Base.
Joey: My favorite song is Be Kind to Your Web Footed Friends, and my favorite band is the Beatles.

KOHN ON MUSIC LICENSING Kohn On Music Licensing Now On the World Wide Web

KATIE AND JOEY Katie & Joey Making the Grade At RLS

IN THE NEWS Our annual roundup of happenings during the past year.

OH! GINGERBREAD HOUSE by Katie Kohn Oh! gingerbread house that we made this year, it is not the sugar that brings me cheer. Though your roof is pure chocolate and a patio of marzipan, it is the love in which we made you and not your (smack) chocolate chip cookie filled land. You have a bedroom of peppermint (drool) the bathroom is Jello, the walls are gingerbread and the door is a Carmello! Oh Fine! I cannot tell a lie, the only reason I’m not eating you is I’ll get grounded if I do. But when I look at you how my tongue does swell. (Chomp!) Oh well!